Open your eyes

This is one of the rare times I am actually in the house on my own at uni. But I don't welcome this fact today because yet again, my housemates (not all might I add) have forgotten about me. I always have issues that I am never really part of the group, even though they tell me that I am wrong and I am just being silly. I feel good about this, and I am happy until they leave me out. Example: I am in the house on my own right now because they went to watch the football without me. They knew I was in the house, I spoke to them, I had my music on, my light on, yet they didn't bother telling me or inviting me to go with them. I assume they are watching the football by the way, I'm not sure seeing as they don't really involve me in anything. Fair enough that most of the time I don't go with them, and my other half (when I say other half, I mean my good friend who I am attached to the hip with) is out, they may have assumed I was out too. Not possible. It's nice to be acknowledged once in a while and be invited to things. I realise I sound quite pissed off right now, which I am, I am allowed to be though, right? It's only Man U versus Chelsea, it's not like I'm a Man United fan or anything.

Against my better judgement, I went into town today instead of doing work. I did have good intentions, I had 'necessities' to buy...I came home with them and a skirt, and my bank statement. I seem to have lost £415 in the past 20 days. Oops.

I joined the netball team at uni. I had to go to netball trials which was scary, expectedly, I didn't make 1st or 2nd team. I did get on a team though - but the (scary) coach did say everybody makes a team (basically I'm rubbish). The only thing I'm worried about now is the socials and a thing called initiations. My housemate reassuringly told me that he was worried about me when I do initiations into the netball team. Well, that's it then. Goodbye everyone...oh god, what have I done?!

I am having some reservations about this whole blogging thing now. I have these thoughts and feelings that I want to write down, but the fact that I cocked it up and have my name on here makes this difficult. I really wanted to be anonymous, but I don’t know how I did it, and I don’t know how to change it. Right now, I am deciding whether to get over this hurdle and just do it anyway, but while I decide, I want to explain myself. I want to explain the way I work because I get the feeling I am misunderstood, this is of no fault of anyone; it is my own fault really.

From what I have gathered over the years, the impression I give out to people is one of a very sarcastic nature. This is so true. Sarcasm for me is like a disease; verbal diarrhoea, I can’t help myself. Most people know I am joking, but sometimes I have to tell people that I hardly ever mean anything I say. In fact, I would say I am a bit of a joker (or a joke); I never talk about anything serious, if anything gets too deep and serious I shut up. It’s a defence mechanism thing. I know I am doing it and I haven’t changed this fact. However, recently I have decided that instead of keeping things to myself (or wait until I am drunk – though I have rectified this issue after an incident which I felt ashamed about for months after), I have started this blog. I write my diaries but I take comfort in the fact that nobody will ever read it, but if I am going to be a writer one day, maybe I should bite the bullet and let people read my stuff. I go by the motto ‘you don’t get what you don’t ask’, so I’m not afraid to tell people my life story, I want to, I just physically can’t do it. This is the reason why I started this number89 blog, only now when I have something proper I want to say, I take too long thinking about whether to put it on here, and then the moment passes and well, there’s no point then.

I think after you get over the sarcastic persona, I am quite a private person – I know this doesn’t make sense after I said all those things above, but it’s true. I don’t like to talk about myself (I just like to write about myself – there’s a difference in that, right?) When something serious happens, I don’t want anyone to know about it, yet I think sometimes it is hard to hide my emotions. For example, crying. I have real issues crying in front of people. I’ve cried myself to sleep sometimes, I’ve cried for no particular reason at all, I’ve cried listening to songs – all these I have done when I am on my own. As soon as there is one other person in the room, I force myself to stop crying, I hide away. I remember once, my sister was sat with me on my bed after...something awful had happened, and I couldn’t speak through all the tears, and I hid under my duvet. I felt so uncomfortable crying in front of someone, I felt embarrassed that I was sobbing so much, even to my own sister. Don’t get me wrong, this event that had happened was, it still is, the most awful thing that has ever happened, it was the worst week of my life, I had every reason to cry but I made myself stop. My sister even said to me that it was OK to cry. I know it is, but just not in front of anyone. I think this is why I come across as an emotionally stunted person, cold-hearted if you like, because I find it hard to show real emotion, even when I’m happy. I used to think that I liked this impression of me, despite it being false...alright, half false. Now I think, I might come across this way, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I am this way. Even though I do not care what people think of me, words can hurt. Even though I pretend to forget, it still hurts.

I have writer’s block now. Am I coming across as someone you’d feel sorry for, because this is not what I want? I hate it in fact. Also, am I coming across as someone who is confusing, because I’m not really? If I want something I’ll say it once in a blue moon, or if you back me up against a corner – I’ll tell the truth, something serious. Miss it, and you never know when I will next tell you something meaningful. I think one of my attributes is that I get over silly things quickly. For instance, bullies – they are so far behind me now that they can say what they want about my Chinese origin. I really couldn’t give a monkeys. I realise this contradicts what I just said, but it’s different – it all depends on what is said and done. Little, shallow things may cause me to be sad; proper, horrible things may cause me to be angry and forget about it within the same minute. It’s just the way I roll – confusing?

I also think that I sometimes am a bit of a push-over, though I do not like to admit this. I hope I’m not, but sometimes I feel I am just the loser in the corner that people forget exists, and then they see me and think ‘oh. What shall we do with her? Oh well, she doesn’t matter, she’ll just follow”. It annoys me sometimes but I don’t do anything about it, not really. I like to think that one day with all the effort I put into friends and my life; I will get something back out of it. Let’s hope so anyway. I guess I am a forgiving person, I can forgive far too easily, but I never forget. This can sometimes be misconstrued but if I can joke about it, I’m over it.

Despite looking 15, I am 20 (the other week, a shop keeper of a vintage shop said I looked 15. I take this as a compliment, because I have looked 12 for quite a few years. I am only 5 years off now, though with the new haircut I might look 16). This sometimes makes me feel old and young all at the same time, but now I have realised that I am at that stage in life where I can actually be a proper adult. I can make decisions that affect my life, I have in fact; this is the scariest thought. The whole Uni thing is scary – I am going back to Canterbury tomorrow. It’s my final year, and it will go so fast I won’t even see it. This makes me sad, like properly sad. People use the description of your heart sinking, and it being really heavy – this is how I feel, I can actually feel it. I just read that back – it sounds really cheesy, but it’s true so I’ll leave it in there. I want to stay this age forever; I never want to leave Uni. Ever. People tell me that I will change my mind once I am earning money and living in the big wide world. I’m sure they’re right (as usual) but for now I want to stay here. I’m not ready to leave education; this is all I’ve known. Having said that, I would definitely like to travel and start fulfilling some of my life ambitions – so cliché but anything that’s not work, please.

This blog is turning out to be an essay, but there is still that issue of whether to share this sad, surreal feeling that is taking over me at the moment. In relation to this, things have happened recently that have been a bit strange, unexplainable, yet comforting and after a while it does seem to make sense. I apologise to anyone who isn’t bored by now and is still reading because it really doesn’t make sense because you don’t know what I’m talking about. I often wonder if there is such a thing as an afterlife? A heaven? Where does the soul go when you pass away? Is there such a thing as a soul? I guess nobody can really tell me the answer to what it’s like to die. But there are some coincidences that feel more than just a coincidence. Do you know what I mean? I don’t believe in fate and all that (I’m cynical like that), but I guess until it happens you don’t know. All these ‘coincidences’ are all part of this event that happened 2 years ago around this time and I suppose it’s got me thinking about everything. So here it is, my best friend died 2 years ago on the 1st September 2007. It’s a date I shall never forget. It seems so surreal, and the whole week leading up to it was just a complete shock and I’ve never felt pain like it. It seems like just yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. A few days ago, a 2 friends and I went to lay flowers for the ‘anniversary’ (this is not a word I would normally use, it has too many happy implications, but right now I cannot think of any other word), it was a beautiful, sunny morning, but when we got out of the car at the cemetery, it started to rain. There was a real down pour and gale force winds when we were stood watching her mother neatly put the pink and white flowers in the pot, it was so strange. I thought her grandmother was going to be blown away it was that strong. As soon as we were back inside the car, the rain stopped, and a few minutes later the sun was out. It might sound stupid, but it was as though the sky was crying for her, whether in anger or in sadness I don’t know, but it felt so strange. Her mother says people think she is weird when she talks to her daughter out loud, and she takes comfort in these small signs or coincidences that are unexplainable, but I know what she means, maybe not as strong as she feels, but I like to think that she is here somewhere. I sound like a complete freak right now, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t explain it, I just know it. I’m not ready to share the details of what happened to her just yet. But for now, I will just say this: Not a day goes by when I do not think of you. There is always something that reminds me of you. You were exactly that, unforgettable, and for this I am grateful for.

I decided to get rid of my mop, also known as my hair today. I don't think I have ever had it so short. The hairdresser grabbed my hair and it actually took four snips of the scissors to cut my hair off. The ultimate test however, is what it will look like once I have washed my hair...

I feel so light headed.

I am going to my second (and last) street dancing lesson tomorrow night. I have forgotten most of it...even with the random 'practising' I have been doing the past few weeks. I am also playing my last game of basketball at work on Tuesday. I am actually getting off my arse for once.

It is also my last week of work experience which is quite sad really. It feels more like school than work. It's great.

I had a BBQ yesterday at the Hebbers flat; sunshine, food, music and Pimms - do I need to say more?

So I think I had the most brilliant weekend in London.

I'm back to reality now unfortunately but I have just realised that I have less than 2 weeks of work experience left. That was quick! Actually, work experience is great. People there are really friendly and it's quite casual so I'm not completely out of my comfort zone (plus The Sister works there though I'm not sure whether that's cheating, but she did force me to have lunch with the other colleagues on my first day).

Back to the weekend - it was my Aunt's birthday and we ate a lot of very yummylicious food. The highlight or the near highlight was seeing Bono, yes, BONO, in Hyde Park...OK so I may have been 10 minutes away going for a walk in search of the Princess Diana Memorial (which we didn't even see may I add) in the glorious sunshine, but I nearly saw Bono! My Aunt actually had a picture taken with him even though he originally said no. I can't believe it! BONO! And I missed it! I'm never going to get over it.

Although a real highlight of the weekend apart from the food was seeing Hairspray with my cousin. That was amazing. It's the happiest musical I have ever seen. I wish I lived in Baltimore in the 60s...if I could sing or dance that is. Speaking of dancing, I went to my first ever street dancing lesson the other week. Beyonce better watch her back that's all I'm saying...

I have loads of random things I want to say but I just don't know how to write it all down in a way that makes sense. So I have decided that I am just going to note it all down on here on one big post. The reason for this? Not really sure, I think I'll feel better afterwards for having done it.

* I ate too much today. I had to cook my own dinner, I must say my dinners are usually quite nice but this time it wasn't quite up to the standard, and I made too much of it. I had it all anyway.

* I think I have had over my daily allowance of water for the day and I keep needing the loo every 10 minutes. I like to drink warm water. It's not weird ok?

* Speaking of weird, I was told yesterday by someone who I occassionally speak to that I was odd...or quirky. Strangely enough, this is not the first time I have been called these things so it must be true?

* I'm nearly packed for my month up north. I keep complaining that I would rather be in London, this is true but when I think about it, I don't actually have a reason why. I guess I kind of miss the 'rents (this doesn't happen often - I think it has only happened once before). I'll get to see my friends which is the thing I'm looking forward to the most.

* I have noticed that I am actually really clumsy. I literally trip over my own feet, though I think my feet are too big for me. I trip UP stairs and never down them. I just walked into a cup of hot water that I left on the floor a minute ago and now my socks are wet, it's quite uncomfortable. I remember when I was younger I went to the house of yet another family friend and I hadn't realised the patio door leading to their conservatory was closed, needless to say I walked straight into it, hit my head and fell over.

* I miss Canterbury.

* I want to go on holiday. I keep looking at everyone elses photos of "bla bla - in Spain 09!" or "The Best Holiday ever!" or "Ibiza!" It's depressing.

* I had a thought today (these random thoughts are quite frequent) why can't pigeons swim?

* I bought the White Lies album the other week (I'm not down with the whole downloading thing) and it's got me. I can't explain it but something about the music and lyrics have...err struck a chord (I'm too funny) with me. I recommend it but you have to get over the initial theme of death and have an open mind.

* I heard a joke yesterday: what does Mastercard and Peter Andre have in common? They're both priceless...?! (I'm rubbish at jokes).

Well, over an hour and 2 phone calls later this is all I have. I think I should mention that I am quite forgetful...ok, ok I am very forgetful so anything I wanted to say I have now forgotten.

The verdict is that I only feel slightly better at having wrote this. I don't expect anyone to actually understand this because I don't.

So I was happily sitting on the no. 47 bus towards Shoreditch yesterday deciding when to press the buzzer to stop the bus when something happened that made me chuckle...a lot. A man ran for the bus, which the driver kindly let on. The man looked not old, but not young either, I guess you would say he was middle aged (I don't really know what that is, I mean if you are middle aged does that mean the middle point of your life? How would you know?) In the man's haste of pulling out his travel card (subsequently it was only valid on trains and so he was not allowed on) something foil coloured and square shaped fell out of his trouser pocket. My nosey eye obviously saw this. I did a double take. The man had dropped his condom on the bus floor. I don't think he noticed, or if he did he was too embarrassed to pick it up. Obviously, this was the sort of news that I had to share with people, so I texted my friend whilst travelling with a condom on the floor, with the bus opening it's doors for an elderly man to get on. My friend's response was that she was glad that people were still practising safe sex.
Not tonight my friend, not tonight.

As it is my last week in London before I...err jet back up to Yorkshire, I have decided to make it a good one. In other words, finishing off my Hayley-shaped mould into my aunt's sofa in front of the TV. I am currently watching The O.C, I don't want to sound like a girl here, but I do love Seth Cohen. Geek-chic has never looked so good. Tall, dark and so cute (by the way, I hate using the word 'cute' when it comes to people, but Mr Cohen just seems to be the definition of the word). "When I grow up I want my very own Seth Cohen." We can all dream I guess, seeing as this Seth Cohen does not actually exist. Shame.

Anyway, it's not all fun and games this week. I've been thinking (not too much though, it is the holidays after all) I only really have August left, and those 4 weeks are taken up by work, so I should really start jotting ideas down for my dreaded dissertation next year for my final year of uni (argh argh). I already have a basic direction I want to go in, so I guess that's a start. That'll do for today.